Pissing on the Old Man’s Grave

sounds extreme and distasteful too

but you didn’t know the old man.

He had an uncanny knack for deceiving

himself a he pursued his own

comfort and pleasure

to the detriment of every

living being he came into

contact with, especially those

he spawned himself, like when

he’d fart aloud proudly in his

old Nash Rambler, but then

after my little brother laughed

and did the same, “dad” reddened,

pulled the car over, and gravely

threatened to stuff Lil’ Mike into the

trunk, until his tiny lips quivered and

he bawled his eyes out and threw up

all over himself, while I sat stoner-faced

and wondered why guys like dad

were ever born and allowed to breed.

Then I became an atheist. But years later,

now an adult, I guilted myself into visiting

dad in his Taj Mahal McMansion off the lake.

We’d sit and he’d talk about politics and religion,

then to bolster his beliefs, he’d always lift a yellow

book up to my face and exhort me to read about the

healing miracles performed by the Virgin Mary at

Fatima or Majigoria, I can’t remember which,

while his latest drug-addled hooker scampered

past us and out the front door, and my now-crippled

brother sat in a wheelchair in a tiny apartment

with my mother. So on one such occasion, I asked

“dad” why he didn’t sell some of his gold coins

or Pre-Colombian vases and take Mike to Majigoria

or Fatima for a healing, and then I’d believe.

Dad blinked, turned purple, then after a long pause,

and with a straight face, he said that Mike was only

faking and could really walk but simply sat in a

wheelchair or crawled on his hands and knees

because he was lazy and liked to be waited on

by mom. But when I mentioned the accident, the

hospital, doctors, and disability check, dad simply

got up and stomped back to his bedroom.

And I sat there wondering why it’s not legal

to kill a creature like him. But sadly, it was already

the age of DNA evidence and CSI, so I quietly decided

that since it seemed to me that neither God nor Karma

could really exist, I’d have to piss on “dad’s” grave

one day, and if somehow the gassy ghost of his former

self rose up and haunted me after, I’d just stare at it

and state with a straight face that what I’d just sprayed

on his grave wasn’t piss at all–just lemonade.